From the original article on May 5, 2009. Author: Chateau Heartiste.
Drumroll please. Presenting the reader submitted nominees for the April 2009 Beta of the Month contest...
April 2009 BOTM Candidate #1 was submitted by reader Ben. It’s our first video submission for BOTM. It needs no introduction. I dare you to watch this all the way through without retching. If you’re short on time, start watching around the 5:30 mark.
Link: video
Feeling nauseated? Some of you may be so aghast that you doubt the authenticity of this magnificent specimen of beta. Surely this must be a satire of lovesick losers? A frat hazing joke? Sorry, I’m afraid it’s the real deal. From his comments to the video:
“Love Story” Genuine real life love story of one man’s journey through time as he gives his all for one chance at a dream. Entirely filmed, produced, and directed by the man you see and him alone over the course of nine months. [...]
I believe the person I made this video for is living somewhere with her family and I truly hope they are all happy and doing well. I made this video to present on youtube because it was the only way I felt I could reach out to her to let her know how I still feel.
Everyone should fully respect her privacy and wishes because I don’t know how she views me now after all this time. We were together for two years and I don’t know why for certain she was gone. I sincerely only want her to be happy even if that means me being out of her life. She is an awesome person who deserves the very best and I just hope she is able to see this.
File under: Oneitis.
Yeah, buddy, listen... this cheesy cornball shit won’t work to do anything except strip you of your last shred of dignity. Your flexing biceps can’t save you now.
This guy is a great example of the sort of suckass whose supplicating weakness you don’t notice right away. He’s good-looking, well built, and smiling like an idiot. But those muscles are painted on. Underneath the surface lies the beating heart of a natural born beta. Which just goes to prove that the tell-tale mark of the beta isn’t how you look, but how you behave.
I guarantee his ex watched this video in horror, her vaj slowly sealing shut like King Tut’s tomb. After the pity wore off, she recaptured her feminine essence by letting her new guy take her anally. There would be a little rectal tear.
The female commenters are hilarious:
this is so sweet, i can’t wait until i meet the guy who will care so much for me as you care for loren.
It never ceases to amaze how women can lie to themselves so effortlessly. Are women that removed from the workings of their own desire that they can’t recognize their true natures? Any beta with thoughts of romance reading the above will get the wrong idea and the vicious cycle will continue — girls saying they want one thing, logical guys with neediness issues giving them what they want, girls getting annoyed and dumping logical, needy guys.
***
April 2009 BOTM Candidate #2 was submitted by reader Five. It’s the cringeworthy love story of the billionaire owner of the Red Sox who pours his heart out for a nascent cougar who, in turn, plays him like a fiddle.
It reminds us a little of a Lifetime movie: Fabulously rich Red Sox owner falls head over heels for an attractive, much-younger woman who initially rebuffs her bigshot suitor but ultimately relents and begins planning a wedding.
“Initially rebuffs”. Yes, she played him good. I’m sure it was a great sacrifice for her to “ultimately relent”. A smart, aging broad with the wall rapidly approaching knows to pull every trick out of her playette’s handbook to land a Daddy Warbucks pot of gold. Especially when he’s a groveling beta. Rule #1: Delude the chump that her depreciating pussy is worth more than it is. There’s a billion dollar lotto to win, and a state-sanctioned half-billion (pity poor Mel Gibson, the fool) if she can get him to sign on the dotted line and leave him when she gets bored by his obsequious fawning.
Now, if I had a billion dollars, I would leverage that pile in conjunction with my game to pull a steady stream of hot stripper pussy until I’m lying cold in the grave. Vagina varietals, if you will. No wedding ring required. But this guy, this titan of industry, this captain of capitalism, what does he do? He pens sappy love poems to a has-been 6:
Dear Linda,
A man needs a muse. Well, he doesn’t really. He doesn’t need nearly as much as he generally thinks he does. A man is greedy. Greedy for what he doesn’t think he has and what he thinks he wants.
We probably wouldn’t have wandered far beyond the basic necessities without that pushing us. Progress is one of its most important byproducts.
So you will ask, “Why are you writing this?” Because a brief encounter-and-a-half with you gave a cool spin to this little blue planet from my vantage point.
We feted the Celtics tonight and the skies opened. The sun emerged and created a giant rainbow between the city and the park. We were transfixed.
You only saw it if you were in the right place. I was in the right place when I noticed you.
I barely know you. I don’t have any illusions about capturing your heart. But the world is brighter, better, lighter and warmer when a man imbues a woman he knows — even tabula rasa — with the attributes that I believe reside in you. It’s the small things that ultimately matter, the subtle things.
I am honest. I don’t play games. And I see no reason not to say that I’ve been smitten by you and you’ve done me a great service.
You’ve very innocently made my world brighter, better, lighter and warmer.
So thanks.
No response is necessary because a man doesn’t need nearly as much as he thinks he does.
Here’s a pic of the Billionaire Beta’s muse:
Yenta-rrific!
This was her e-mail response to his passionately putrid overture:
A man may not need as much as he thinks he does, but courage and honesty should be acknowledged. I am not so naive as to believe I actually possess the qualities you attribute to me. But thank you.
Like a Stradivarius. No doubt she was actually turned off by his betatude, but with that much money in play, it makes sense to feed his delusions and keep him chasing. Why are so many rich dudes so goddawful with women? Is it low testosterone? A belief that their cash buffers them from their worst instincts with women? A refusal to learn what makes women tick? Or is it that all that dough allows them the luxury of indulging their most cloyingly romantic beta impulses?
There’s a theme to this month’s BOTM contest: Superficially alpha guys betraying their beta souls.
The voting:
Addendum
I noticed in the reader submissions that some of the female readers don’t quite grasp the concept of “beta”. For example, here’s a submission from Bhetti:
A 42-year-old man who authorities say fathered 14 children with 13 different women in Genesee County and owes more than $530,000 in child support has been jailed for dodging payments.
Thomas Frazier was ordered jailed Thursday and could spend 90 days behind bars if he doesn’t pay $27,900, The Flint Journal reported. Court records say he hasn’t made payments in the child support cases in six years.
“I tried to find someone who would love me for me,” said Frazier, who also described himself as a victim of a poor upbringing. Frazier said he thinks he fathered only three of the children – two daughters and a son.
Helpful hint: A guy who fathers 14 kids with 13 different women is the dictionary definition of an alpha. I understand you women may not see it that way, but the only judge that matters in this high stakes game of American Alpha is the pussy. Betas don’t father bastards. Betas father other men’s bastards.
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