One of the greatest tragedies in life consists of the sad fact that all things that convey pleasure and ecstasy are forever in short supply. This unsolvable calamity of the human condition has enormous, and sometimes downright hilarious consequences for our most fervent carnal desires: Women can never eat what they would like to eat, and men never get the sex they lust after.
Psychologist Roy Baumeister from the American Case Western University and his team for over a year have informally listened to the conversations of small groups of men and women. There were two topics of conversation where significant gender differences could be found, the researcher sums up: food and sex. The way how males and females take up these two subjects sheds light on the importance that sexuality has in their life: “Men talk about women the same way women talk about food.”
The female conversations about food were rich in exquisite detail; participants gave a lively, passionate description of a wonderful meal or a delicious dessert that they had once enjoyed, while the others wistfully listened to the report and reenacted the joys in their imagination. In contrast, the male talk about food was pragmatic and plump; it mostly was about how you could easily and quickly get to a certain food. When they wallowed in memories of restaurant visits, this was rarely about the dressing of a salad, but rather about the undressing of the waitress.
Men, however, led much more lively discussions on the topic of sex, which rarely occurred in female conversations. When women talked about physical love at all, the remarks were rather vague and loosely mixed with light laughter. They never regaled the others with their outstanding experiences, as they did with food – and as the men did with sex. Men told each other lively, detailed descriptions of sex, enjoyed those of the others, waiting for the chance to contribute their own experiences. They also were not satisfied with delicate euphemisms or evasive language: As to sex, they did not mince words.
They too extensively discussed the physical charms of individual women whom they knew. Even scientists at a major conference deliberated about how certain female colleagues would look like naked or behave in bed. Women also did this occasionally, but not as often, and mostly just for fun – not with voluptuous overtones, says Baumeister. “If we compare the sex talk of the men with the food discussions of women, there is greater similarity: men talk about women like women talk about food.”
There should be good reasons for this difference: men are very eager to have sex, but they do not get it often enough and in sufficient variety. Food has a similar tragic significance in the lives of many women: They appreciate it very much, but they can not consume it in the desired quantity and quality. “The need to restrain oneself, coupled with the belief that others are in the enviable position to give in to their desires, is a central problem with sex for men and with food for women.”
Especially younger men can devour huge amounts of food without having to fear that they grow fat, get sick, lose respect or pay a different price. Young women, on the other hand, feel the pressure to be thin and lose weight, so that the feast for them will forever be a scarce resource. “When eating, men are in the fortunate position to have what they want, while women have to suffer chronic frustration and self-denial. As to sex, the roles are exchanged: women can have what they want, but men can not. Again and again, people just desire the things that are forbidden and lose the joy of the temptations other want to impose on them.
If a serious food shortage threatens, men too let fall the nonchalant dealing with the topic of food. This was proved decades ago, in a study of the American army, in which a group of volunteers was subjected to an extreme, prolonged low calorie diet. After a few days, all talks of the recruits turned obsessively to the subject of food. All jokes only dealt with the different aspects of the food, and the hungry eagerly exchanged recipes. There were plagued with consuming fantasies of desire – and haunting dreams at night – always variations on the theme of dining. When they watched films, only the scenes in which food occurred stimulated lively reactions. It went so far that some men took the arduous task upon themselves to wind back the film by hand, only to slobber again over again certain scenes that contained foods. In a way, they now behaved like women. No analogous experiment concerning sex has ever been conducted with females.
Maybe it would help women to understand the notorious difficulty men have with monogamy if they took the food analogy seriously. If they really want to know what drives men, they should reconsider their own relationship with food, says the psychologist: “For men, monogamous marriage is like consuming ones favorite treat every single day, for the rest of ones life. Of course you want to enjoy this meal often, but every now and again something else would be nice, simply for of the sensual pleasure of diversity. “
According to Baumeister, women could just say to men: “If you do feel that way, you should not tie yourself to a female partner!” But that would certainly not solve the sexual dilemma of the male gender. “If marriage is the same as eating ones favorite food every day, the bachelor’s life can easily be tantamount to never having his favorite food again.” According to the results of international sex statistics, there can not be any doubt that – compared to the often solitary sleeping camps of singles – there is still more going on in the marriage bed. “The man’s alternatives ultimately consist in either treating himself to his preferred food over and over again and having no variety, or never having his favorite food in the first place and often going to bed hungry.”
Men’s and women’ different responses to food and sex trace back to their evolved sexual preferences. Having a greater desire for “diverse’’ sex also means that it’s non-occurrence generates much more pain and frustration. Men think more about sex and feel sexual arousal more often. They yearn for a greater number of sexual partners and sexual experiences. They indulge in more frequent sexual fantasies and “do if’ much more often to themselves…
“Men love the idea of getting between the blankets with a woman just for fun. including with a woman with whom they do not want to have a long-term relationship,” Baumeister points out. “From the standpoint of these men, sex affords pleasure, and sex with new partners affords a particularly great pleasure. Why shouldn’t they have it off other with those women without tying up? Unfortunately for these men, most women do not share that view. “
The male sex drive is doomed to be unsatisfied. “The crux is that the average man would like to have sex with many women, but most of these women do not want sex with him… Men are under the curse to spend a large part of their adult life in a chronic state of sexual frustration. They are doomed to be homy. ” In addition, many men are suckers for the exaggerated “success stories” of other men and for the sex-hyped representations in the media. Everyone thinks everyone else is having a field day behind his back… Mamed men and singles look at each other askance: From the view of the “marriage prison” the sex lives of singles smack of freedom and adventure. However singles feel envy in the face of the seemingly “regular” sex life of married people; it appears to them like an orgasm-land of plenty. Both parties are blind to the shadows that dim the landscape on the other side…
According to Baumeister, men are trapped in a real tragic conflict by their sexuality. “The male sex drive seems to be predestined to prevent happiness because it is like an emotional treadmill. It may be that male sexuality is never granted a lasting feeling of satisfaction."
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