From the original article on August 14, 2009. Author: Chateau Heartiste.
The coda to this week’s relationship game posts is a sampling of comments from reader Dave from Hawaii, a guy who kills wild boar with a knife for fun, wherein he discusses his transformation from nagged beta husband of a contemptuous wife to alpha husband of a loving, grateful, gina tingly wife (same woman!), all by assiduously applying to his marriage the core principles and yes, even the specific tactics, of Game. Read and be inspired. You too can improve your love life, inside and outside of marriage.
I got married young, and simply did not understand anything about game, or the benefits of assertive masculinity. I put my wife on a pedestal and spent 7 years or so of a very contentious, walking on egg-shell type of relationship that teetered towards divorce more than a few times.
I discovered PUA/Game sites like this one a few years ago, and after a bit of reading on shit tests, and the subconscious mating desires of females, I began to “run game” on my wife.
The transformation of our relationship is astounding.
Yes, she put on a good 40 lbs. a couple of years after we got married.
Once I learned to game her subconscious, competitive instincts and began to plant suggestions in her mind that I was desirable to other women...she’s gotten motivated and lost the weight, and her affection towards me reverted back to the way she was before got married.
Once I started recognizing her shit tests and began to not just “pass them” but literally blow them up, the passive-aggressive emotionally driven conflict that had been the hallmark of our relationship has all but disappeared.
We don’t fight anymore.
My wife, who used to grumble and complain and tell all her closest friends and family that we had a “difficult relationship with lots of problems that needs working on” now tells everyone she’s happily married without blinking an eye.
Game... it does a body good!
******
I changed our relationship dynamic after learning about game.I stopped always asking her what she wants and started being decisive while playing up the mysterious angle.
Here was a typical scenario back then:
HER: “I’m hungry.”
ME: “What do you want to eat?”
HER: “I don’t know...”
ME: “How about McDonalds?”
HER: “I dunno.”
ME: “How about Taco bell?”
HER: {shrugs}
ME: “KFC? I know you really like the original recipe chicken dinner...”
HER: “well yeah...”
ME: “OK, great, let’s go!”
Drives to the KFC drive-thru.
ME: I’ll have the Zesty Crispy Chicken Wrap...what do you want, honey?”
HER: “I don’t want to eat here.”
ME: “What? I thought you said...”
HER: “I never said I wanted KFC.”
ME: “But...what do you want then? Whatever you want, just let me know, and we’ll go there!”
HER: “It’s too late, you’ve already ordered here.”
ME: “Fine then. So what do you want?”
HER: “Nothing, just take me home. I’ll figure out what I’m going to eat later. {Said in a grouchy tone}.
ME: “Why do you have to be like that?
HER: “Be like what? I never said I wanted KFC!”
ME: “Well what do you want then?”
HER: “Don’t worry about me already! Just get YOUR food and take me home!”
ME: “I’ve asked you how many times to tell me what you want and I’ll take you there! Why do you always have to act like this?”
HER: “Act like what? Nevermind already! It’s obvious you don’t really care about what I want...it’s only about what you want! I didn’t want KFC and yet you’re trying to make like it’s all my fault just because I don’t want to eat here! I never wanted to eat here in the first place!!!!”
ME: “$*%^(YT@#($)(#&!!!!!”
Same scenario, now:
HER: “I’m hungry”
ME: “So am I. Let’s go.”
HER: “Go where?”
ME: “You’ll see.”
HER: “C’mon, tell me...”
ME {Rolling my eyes and turning away from her, getting ready to head out with or without her.}: “Are you gonna sit here and play twenty questions like a spoiled little princess or are you gonna come along and eat with me?”
HER {Now she starts getting ready to go.}: “C’mon...why don’t you tell me...”
At that point, I could take her to a fine-dining restaurant or McDonalds, it doesn’t matter.
What mattered was that I passed her shit test and played the role of the ‘provider.’
I stopped treating my wife like I was an enslaved sycophant willing to do whatever the goddess desired and started treating her like the kid sister with the backhanded compliments, light-hearted teasing, and over-the-top sarcasm to deal with her shit-tests...all within the “frame” of subconsciously reinforcing the notion that I’m attractive to other women.
For another example, I remember one instance where we went to a dinner party, and there was a, beautiful, blond girl that was a friend of a mutual friend, and it was the first time we met her. Her and I hit it off immediately on a conversational level.
After the dinner, on the ride home she started in...
“So tell me, is _______ better looking than me?”
Now the reality is that why yes, she was...and we both knew it. (Turns out, she was a former swimsuit model...)
I was scared to death to admit this to her. I immediately and reflexively lied to her. She became infuriated.
“Why’d you keep talking to her all night long? Where you attracted to her? Don’t lie, I saw you looking at her while you were talking!”
I uncomfortably whimpered “Well, she was sitting directly across from me all night long...”
Needless to say, the conversation continued to escalate in that vain, with her continually getting angrier and angrier as she played the role of hostile interrogator, and I, the hapless idiot husband, caught doing something wrong...trying to squirm out of the pending punishment.
She “dominated” this conversation from the beginning, she set the frame and I unwittingly relinquished my backbone.
Eventually it turned into a full blown argument as I got angry at her for getting angry, because in reality I had done nothing wrong but have the temerity to have conversation with a beautiful woman at the same dinner table.
Contrast that with how I handle a similar incidents now, after I had figured out the underlying dynamics behind why we would always get into those types of fights and arguments...
(generic paraphrasing of a typical situation}
ME: “Of course she was talking to me! Most beautiful women do! That’s EXACTLY why you married me! What lady can resist these?” (Thrn I would just flex my biceps and like I’m the world’s baddest man...all with a smirk on my face.)
HER: She rolls her eyes, chuckles and responds, “Yeah right...no woman would want you if you were the last guy on earth.”
ME: “That’s not what your {name of her best friend} said the other night when she was begging me to kiss her...”
HER: {giggling} “You’re so silly...”
In other words, I learned to turn those “shit tests” into playful banter with a subtle frame of reference (treating her like she’s the “younger sister w/ cooties” instead of the goddess who I’d be most fortunate if only she’d let me kiss her feet), rather than address them at face value. In short, learned to “lead the conversation...i.e. “dominate.”
I used to tell her the typical lies of a cowed and fearful married man that is the ubiquitous caricature of men in today’s feminist warped mass media... “No honey, I ONLY have eyes for you! I promise! I don’t even LOOK at other women!”
In retrospect, I can’t believe I spent YEARS protesting innocence and begging her to not get upset, and never realized that taking that tact ALWAYS resulted in bad feelings and “relationship problems.”
At the same time, I reinforce the notion that I’m desirable to other woman (remember – no one wants to go to the club that is empty...everyone wants to get in to the one with the line around the block.)
And I tell you, I really REALLY felt silly and ridiculous when I first started acting like that whenever the shit tests came up.
Now, it comes to me like a second reflex.
Most betas, when they first learn game and apply it to their dealings with women, are utterly taken aback by how effective it is. A light goes on, and they feel the spiritual alpha surge of a thousand ancient warriors coursing through their veins and guiding them on the path of righteousness. Swing your two-handed skin sword and drink heartily from the scrotal-shaped chalice, Warrior-Poet! Your dominion over the gina tingle is assured.
******
The more I tried to supplicate [my wife]...to plead with her...to beg her “why do you have to be so angry? Can’t we just get along? Is this really that big of a deal? Look, I’m sorry....”
Oh yes, I was ALWAYS apologizing. Oh, and I usually begged for sex.
I would try to use logic and reason to deal with her emotional state. Never worked. Ever.
In other words, I was letting her emotional state dictate my response. I was trying to appease her mood.
After reading up on game, I gained insight into the basic, biological motivations of females. I quickly realized that I was acting beta, and she was no longer attracted to me...making her angrier and angrier by the day because she couldn’t stand the fact that she was married to and living with a spineless, grovelling chump always searching for appeasement and begging for sex.
Once I was conscious of that dynamic...I became conscientious about how I began acting around her.
For a recent an example of that change of mindset I’m talking about:
Just the other night, I called her to let her know I was coming home so she could time dinner to be ready when I got home.
I was dead tired from my martial arts training that day (I was doing full contact kickboxing training, very rigorous)...and I stopped at my friends house at around 5:00pm to drop something off that I had borrowed from them and have a quick drink before heading home.
After one drink, I lay down on my friend’s couch for a moment...and the next thing I know, it’s 2:30am in the morning.
I drove home, and got into bed. I thought she was asleep...but she promptly said in a real bitchy tone “Where you having fun tonight?!?!”
I simply said “I fell asleep on _____’s couch. I’m tired, good night, dear.”
And promptly rolled over and went to sleep. I don’t even remember what she said to me in response.
The “old” me would have been begging her for forgiveness and apologizing profusely.
She was still upset the next morning...so I let her be upset. She tried to argue with me about it, and I would just shrug, and go start cooking breakfast. She would say something pointed, and I would change the subject.
When she kept pushing me, I just told her straight up – I was dead tired, I lay down for a moment and literally passed out form exhaustion. What is their to apologize for? I’m going to eat breakfast now and enjoy the beautiful morning...care to join me?”
She may have grumbled a bit more, but in the end, we ended up having a nice breakfast, and the topic was dead...other than the occasional, off-hand joke from her about how “You don’t come home anymore,” over the next few days...to which I would either ignore it, change the subject or “agree and amplify” to the point of absurdity.
“Of course dear, don’t you know us pimp daddies have a lot of hoes that take up all our time!”
The old, beta me would have been banished to the couch, subjected to a few days of silent treatment and begging for her forgiveness...only making it worse and worse the more I would grovel and beg.
Whenever there is a marital fight, no man should ever choose to take the couch. That way is the way of the beta. You either sleep in your own goddamned bed and let smoke come out of her ears all night as you snore loudly next to her, or she chooses to take the couch.
******
Yeah, I’m positive you can use “Jerk” game in a LTR – but in my personal case, I use it sparingly.
One time I made her late for a flight to Vegas because we were at a friend’s party. She started SCREAMING at me in the car, because it really was my fault that she missed her flight to go visit her family. She went ballistic. Hysterical. Screaming and crying, because she wasn’t going to get there in time for her Mother’s birthday.
The one and only time I ever screamed back at her. I looked right at her and screamed “SHUT THE FUCK UP! IT’S HAPPENED! YELLING AND SCREAMING IS NOT GOING TO GET YOU ON THAT PLANE! IT’S FUCKING OVER!
That was the one and only time I think I have ever truly scared my wife. She jumped into the back seat of the car when I yelled at her. She told me later that she thought I was going to hit her ’cause I looked so mad. In 12 years, that’s gotta be the only time I ever let my anger out like that. I’m generally very low-key and mellow...I got a long fuse.
It’s very interesting to note after the long, quiet ride home...she actually got turned on by my little show of aggression. heh.
This comment Rihanna-approved.
******
[W]hat you need to focus on, WHATEVER you do, is to maintain frame.
Whether you do nice things for your woman or you act like a jerk, neither will kill her attraction for you in and of itself.
Just make sure that whatever you do, you do not do it in a beta, supplicating manner.
You want to boil down “game” into one phrase, it’s DON’T BE BETA. Don’t put her on the pedestal. Adopt the mentality that you are atop her pedestal, and act accordingly.
Example:
Honey, would you like me to give you a massage? I know you’re sore form your hard day! Let me make you feel better...
That would be a typical offer praised to the high heavens by 99% of all women hearing about such a question. Hearing such a story will elicit “wow, that’s so SWEET! Your so lucky to have such a great husband!”
But in reality...that’s beta.
It’s begging and pleading to please your wife. In essence, you’re asking her permission to do her a favor.
Half the time, she’ll flat out turn the offer down, even if she DOES want a massage in the worst way...because as sore as her muscles are, embedded deep in her id is the contempt for the very idea of a beta putting his hands on her naked body.
Doing the same thing, but in a non-Beta manner – cocky/arrogant style – “Get over here and take your clothes off, I’m tired of hearing you groan about your sore muscles.”
or going for the subtle expression of having higher social status... “Well than you better thank your lucky stars you married an expert masseuse...”
In either case, you’ve done the “nice husband thing.” But the frame you keep to do the “nice” thing is what is truly going to either maintain her attraction for you or kill it.
Doing something beta during a pickup? You can eject, and start all over again on your next approach.
Acting beta when married? You are starting the long, slow march towards divorce court hell...
Creeping marital betatude isn’t an on/off switch; it’s a viral agent that slowly, but inexorably, sickens your wife until she wants to get as far away from you as possible. Usually into the arms of a man who isn’t infected. And with half your money. So if you’re gonna get married (and don’t say I didn’t warn you), you had better have a handle on women’s psychological natures. And a good pre-nup.
******
I had no clue how badly I was failing shit tests, and why I was always getting into passive-aggressive conflicts. I thought shit tests were logical inquiries based on linear thinking.
Upon reading the Agree & Amplify approach to shit tests, now-defunct PUA blog “The Reality Method,” I thought long and hard about how many times I had encountered such tests and failed them miserably.
The first time I tried A&A, when she asked me if I had a mistress, and I answered that no, I had 4 of them, and I was getting worn out trying to keep them all plus herself satisfied. I was holding my breath trying to see what her reaction would be....she giggled and said “you’re so delusional!” To which I than A&A again...”Damn straight, how else do you think I’ve stayed married to you all these years?” The conversation turned into playful teasing, ending with me spanking her ass and starting to playfully roughhouse.
Inside, I felt like I had just discovered the holy grail. I spent YEARS in the “What do you mean you think I have a mistress? Why would you think that? You know you’re the only women for me!”
The next time I got another shit test from her, I was more than ready for it:
“Do I look fat in this dress?”
The shit test is really in effect, beta entrapment.
The absurdity of the shit test is that women aren’t consciously aware they are doing them. Which makes them all the more dangerous.
******
– When women get together, especially in mixed company, they will often speak of their men as if they were little children. Sometimes our friends will say things to my wife like “he better behave or you’re gonna ground him!” or “he better watch out or he’s gonna get in trouble with you” or some sort variation of this theme that assumes she’s the authority and you answer to her.
Whenever I encounter that, I never let that commentary stand unchallenged. I respond, in a cocky/funny manner – ‘yeah right, she better watch out or I’LL be the one doing the grounding!” To which my wife will usually sass back, to which I’ll than turn it into a bit of sexual innuendo – “...not only will I ground you, I’ll give you the spanking you deserve...and we know what happens when I spank you...” Re-framing the conversation to hint at sexual intimacy quickly changes the tone of the conversation and the theme of relational authority gets forgotten by the other women pretty quickly. They typically respond to that sort of thing with “Ew...that’s TMI! Keep that stuff to yourselves!” or “Get a room you two!” Than everyone will laugh, and you can then change the subject to one of your choosing.
One of the biggest sources of discontent in a LTR can and will come from the influence of your woman’s peers. You have to learn how to display your dominance not just to her, but in front of her peers as well. This sort of behavior actually sparks her attraction.
– Use PDA very sparingly. I never kiss my woman in front of people, and I rarely hold her hand or cuddle or snuggle or any of that other intimacy behaviors in front of other people...even good friends we are absolutely comfortable with. When you do something, like grabbing her and making her sit on your lap when you’re at a party, she will really appreciate your gesture of affection and amp her attraction for you...but only if you rarely give her the gift of PDA. I just did that the other night at a party. When I drew her to my lap, she gave me those eyes...the same eyes she gave me when we first started dating 14 years ago. My public display of affection that night turned into a very private display by her later on that night...
Same goes for things like flowers, candy and other so-called “romantic” little gifts that often are what society says are the correct ways for men to show their women they love them. While in the new, courting phase, it won’t backfire on you if you give them frequently...constantly buying her flowers, teddy bears, candy etc. will lose it’s value for inspiring her attraction once you are in a LTR.
– The most important LTR advice I think I can add, is this: if and when you know you did wrong, that she does in fact deserve an apology, you MUST learn to apologize with sincerity without projecting the attitude that you are sorry.
That may sound confusing at first, but what I mean is that while you are apologizing for something, you MUST maintain a state of social dominance. You do not beg or plead for forgiveness. You do not apologize more than once...ever. If you do apologize, you say it once, with a full detailed explanation of why you know you did wrong, that you understand why your behavior/actions upset her, than you say your apology, and then THAT IS IT. Do NOT try and “make it up” in explicit terms. Do not bow down to her demands. If she says “you better get me some flowers for this one,” that’s the one sure guarantee that you are NOT going to give her flowers.
Don’t even ask for forgiveness. Act as if your apology is all there is to say about it, you can forgive me or not.
That last point was the hardest one for me to learn at first. I cannot tell you how different it is now when we have a fight, and I consciously maintain the frame of not becoming a supplicant begging for her forgiveness.
Our arguments can be white hot and aggressive, but if I maintain my dominant mentality, these conflicts end quickly and almost always result in the best kind of LTR sex...”makeup” sex.
I used to think that hot makeup sex was a myth. [Editor: I think it’s more accurate to call it “after-fight sex” since it’s the fighting, not the making up, that coaxes gina tingles.] Now I know the truth – makeup sex only happens if your wife respects you, and lusts you for your dominance. Even if you’re wrong, and you apologized and admitted you were wrong...if you do it right and maintain your dominant status, her anger will eventually fade, but her attraction will increase. Think of fighting and arguing with your woman as the ultimate LTR shit test.
If you are begging, simpering, cowed beta that always begs for forgiveness and pleads with her to not get mad at you or to just “forget it,” the tension will eventually blow over...but her subconscious satisfaction with your beta demeanor will kill any chance of that hot makeup sex, and start to build up in her and affect all other areas of your relationship.
When in doubt, better to err on the side of too much asshole than too little asshole. Or: If you can’t learn the art of apologizing like an alpha, resort to Plan B: Deny, deny, deny. And then accuse her of being a distrustful bitch.
******
When I first started changing my behavior, I had to consciously think of everything I said and did. It was difficult at first.
But the more you consciously do these things, and the more you see how it works positively in your relationship, the easier it gets.
When I first began “gaming” her, I was still afraid of her emotional state...I found game a means of not bringing out her anger or disappointment.
Now, however, I’ve truly developed the mindset of having NO fear of my woman’s emotional state.
While I don’t disagree at all with Epoxytocin’s statement:
“If you handle it correctly, it shouldn’t “start an argument”.
My addendum to that is....
So what if it does start an argument? Are you afraid to argue with her? Why are you afraid of her emotional state?
Once I realized this mindset, and internalized it, everything started to become second nature.
As a beta-ized husband, I lived in constant fear of upsetting her...fear of her dissaproval...fear of her tears. I used to think of lies to tell her about things that were not even wrong, just to try and avoid making her mad with me.
This was when we were at our worst.At the beach, back in the “beta” days:
HER: “I see you looking at that chic in the G-string!”
ME: “I was not! Honestly honey, I only have eyes for you!”
We both know I was lying...and she would get upset, and not speak to me and we’d end up getting into an argument that ruined the entire day. Ironic isn’t it...by lying to her to try and avoid conflict, I actually made it much worse.
Now?
HER: “I see you looking at her!”
ME: “She’s hot, isn’t she?”
Well played, Dave from Hawaii, well played.
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