Shady Character Game

Listed under Heartiste: 2009.Theme

From the original article on July 31, 2009. Author: Chateau Heartiste.

With the right props and an inscrutable demeanor, you can take advantage of women’s instincts to be attracted to violent, unpredictable, enigmatic men. What’s that you say? Hot babes don’t go for criminals, thugs, or cold-blooded soulkillers? Keep telling yourself that.

If your lying eyes aren’t enough to convince you of the depraved nature of women’s desire, take it from the commenters who have every incentive to prove me wrong.

S. (a girl) wrote:

I don’t think something as far as implying you were a killer would be effective, since I wouldn’t want to be left alone with the guy. The person I’m currently seeing tells me that he implies he used to do a lot of drugs because it builds intrigue, in spite of it not being true. When I went to help him move however, I found some court documents for things like vandalism, petty theft, etc. and I was surprisingly more unfazed than I should have been.

Do you want a woman eating out of your palm? Make her think you’ve killed people! Don’t actually tell her, of course. Just leave subtle hints about a shady past you may or may not have had. Let her fill in the blanks. Although they will never admit it, women love filling in the blanks of the lives of their men. By cultivating an aura of mystery you give your women permission to indulge their need for manufactured drama. This is what women do best: Create worlds of pointless drama to impart meaning to the childless void in their lives. Men don’t do this because the very nature of men’s existence is drama, AUTHENTIC drama, from birth (more male babies than female babies die) to death (men die younger and die more often from accidents, disease, and violence).

Commenter Madras offered some good ideas for Shady Character Game:

Two tricks I use for relationship/regular-fuck-buddy game:

1. Put a round under the pillow she is going to use every once in a while and let her find it.

2. Forward her news articles about un-solved murders.

This would work. Here are my suggestions (some from personal experience):

• Cut letters of various shapes and sizes from magazines and make a threatening note to an anonymous recipient. “Forget” to mail this “letter” and keep it semi-hidden in your top desk draw. One thing I’ve learned over the years — if a woman likes you she is eventually going to snoop through all your shit. You won’t be able to stop her, no matter how diligently you watch over your stuff. Because of this sinister female reality, I have perfected the art of the “rapid evacuation shit”, so that when I have a girl over and I have to take a dump, I can force out the turds at lightning speed and be done in under 15 seconds, less time than she is able to start poking around my place. I’ve had times where I was in the bathroom for a couple of minutes enjoying a pleasant dump, and when I finished the girl was standing at the bathroom door confronting me about a CD she found next to my computer that another girl had made for me.
• Do you have arrest records? Keep them hidden in plain view. The worse the infraction, the wetter she’ll get. Unless its an arrest for possession of child pornography. If you don’t have arrest records, you can find guys who do and make photocopies of theirs, then scan the copies into your computer and use photoshop to change the name. Best type of arrest: Manslaughter. She’ll think you killed a man who probably deserved it and you had a good lawyer who got you off.
• Keep one long, sharp knife in a separate kitchen drawer by itself. Never use it to cut food. Bonus: It has an ivory handle carved with arcane Pagan symbols.
• Store drug paraphernalia in a cabinet. When she asks, tell her they’re “items of interest”.
• Did you cut yourself badly once? Save that blood-stained garment in your dresser. Alpha move: Put a “bullet hole” through the blood stain. Super alpha move: The garment is a woman’s blouse.
• Do you have any Mafia connections in your family? I do. (See: Goodfellas, Scene I, Upstate New York). Hang on the wall an old photograph of your great grandfather looking like a sharp-dressed Don.
• Keep a small, black velvet purse full of cubic zirconia stones (or if you’re really poor, quartz crystals) stashed in your bedside table.
• Passports with stamps from countries designated by the CIA as sponsoring terrorism or those which have no diplomatic ties with the United States are sure to pique your woman’s interest. For a pointer, see this list. If you haven’t been to these countries, just make your own stamps and read Wikipedia for a cursory knowledge of the local culture and political climate. She’ll never know the difference.
• Never let her see, or put something inside, the trunk of your car. If she presses, tell her the lock is broken.
• Install a large safe. Never tell her about it, or what’s inside. Keep one dried black rose in the safe. “Accidentally” leave the safe lock combination in full view one day for her to find.
• Do you have an attic or basement? Buy a large, antique oak chest with a giant lock and store it there.
• Occasionally rise from bed at 3AM while she snoozes. Leave for an hour. When you return, rustle the sheets a lot so she wakes up. Do this twice a month for a year.
• Own a gun.
• Own a vial of arsenic.
• Own a green-eyed black cat.
• Have a crate full of videocassettes or microfiche in your closet marked “Drop off points”, “Runners”, “Moles”, and “Sabine”.
• In blood red ink, have what looks like a love note in your jewelry box with the words “You did this to me” written on it.
• Have a “lost year”. When she asks you about it, assume the thousand yard stare, sigh heavily, and say “There’s not much to say.” Smile, and pour yourself a cup of tea immediately after saying this. It adds weightiness to your words.
• Edit a family home video of yourself as a child with interspersed frames of a cute but unkempt girl sitting on the floor in the corner of an empty, dimly lit room speaking to the unseen cameraman. She is dragging her hand through her hair while saying “I can’t right now”, “Stoooop”, and “I won’t tell anyone”. You will need to have made the “girl on floor” film with one of your girlfriends. Remind yourself to do this. Once you have finished this creepily intriguing edited film, place the cassette or DVD in plain view so your current girl(s) see it.
• Take a bunch of old-style, photo booth pictures of you and a girl you’re dating. Draw a thick black bar over the eyes of your girl. After you break up, save these “girlfriend redacted” photos for a future girlfriend to stumble across.
• Build a darkroom.
• Give yourself a cool facial scar.

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