From the original article on March 28, 2011. Author: Chateau Heartiste.
There were a lot of quality suggestions for alpha songs from readers in the comments to this post. Too many choices from too many different genres to properly choose a number one alpha song of all time. But any list of top ten alpha songs should include “Hey Mister” by Custom, and “Homecoming” by The Teenagers. Read the lyrics and you’ll understand why these two songs are Chateau-approved for your listening pleasure.
“Hey Mister”
Hey Mister I really like your daughter,
I’d like to eat her like ice cream
maybe dip her in chocolate
Hey Mister on your way over
in your Volvo, suit, and tie
We’ll be crawling in your bed soon
messing around, maybe getting high
It’s not what ya did,
It’s not what ya didn’t
God gave her a perfect body
and now I’m all up in it.
It’s not she’s a tramp.
It’s not she’s not pure.
She just likes getting her fuck on,
and it’s a good one of that I’m sure
Hey Mister I really like your daughter.
When I’m horny like thirsty
She’s a bottle of water.
Hey Mister how’d it get so bad
You raised her so well
and now she’s calling me dad
in the back seat naked of
a new Volkswagen
the perfect little gift for
high school graduation.
It’s not what ya did,
It’s not what ya didn’t
God gave her a perfect body
and now I’m all up in it.
[chorus]
I eat all the food in your fridge
Call my friends around the world
Rack up your long distance do
Breakstands neutral drops
Wreck all your cars
Drink all the booze in your
cheezy ass wet bar
Order stuff on your credit cards
Leave boogers in the skippy jar
Smoke your cigars
Answer the phone tell your
boss you moved to mars
When you call in late from
work tell your wife
You’re at the titty bars
[chorus]
I can’t lie I have to tell the truth
My commandments says I’m a total spoof
Your daughter’s a freak
Your daughter’s a pro
When i’m done with her
She’ll do one of your bros
I hope I’ll never have a daughter
I hope I’ll never have a daughter
I hope I’ll never have a daughter
I hope I’ll never have a daughter
This song hits a couple of important Chateau themes:
1. Chicks are at their hottest between 15 and 25.
2. Every father’s worst fear is having his hot teen daughter hook up with a player.
What man can’t sympathize with the singer’s lament in the final stanza?
******
“Homecoming”
[male] “last week, I flew to san diego to see my auntie.
on day one, I met her hot step-daughter.
she’s a cheerleader, she’s a virgin, and she’s really tan.
as she stepped out of her massive car,
I could only notice she was more than fuckable.
I think she was coming back from the game or something,
’cause she was holding those silly pom-poms
on day two, I fucked her, and it was wild.
she’s such a slut.”
[chorus]
[male] I fucked my american cunt
[female] I loved my english romance
[male] I fucked my american cunt
[female] I loved my english romance
[male] it was dirty, a dream came true
just like I like it, she’s got nice tits
[female] it was perfect, a dream came true
just like a song by blink 182
[female] “ok, listen girls:
I met the hottest guy ever.
basically, as I was stepping out of my SUV,
I came face to face with my step-cousin or whatever, who cares?
anyway, he was wearing skinny jeans, had funky hair
and the cutest british accent ever.
straight away, I could tell he was rocker
from his sexy attitutde and the way he looked at me.
mmmmmm, he is totally awesome!
oh my god, I think i’m in love”
[chorus]
[male] I fucked my american cunt
[female] I loved my english romance
[male] I fucked my american cunt
[female] I loved my english romance
[male] it was dirty, a dream came true
just like I like it, she’s got nice tits
[female] it was perfect, a dream came true
just like a song by blink 182
[male] I fucked my american cunt
[female] I loved my english romance
[male] I fucked my american cunt
[female] I loved my english romance
[male] “it was so nice to meet you”
[female] “the pleasure was all mine, I do like you
come to cancun for spring break”
[male] “I’ll think about it, it could be great”
[female] “and don’t forget to send me a friend request!”
[male] “as if!”
Not only is this song funny (the alternating lines between the male and female singer satirizing the different ways men and women view hook ups is a highlight), but it even takes a few stabs at the consumption habits, entitlement complexes and general sluttiness of American princesses.
The readers who nominated Motorhead’s Lemmy and Kyuss/Queens of the Stone Age’s Josh Homme as alpha rock n rollers par excellence are correct. I would also add GG Allin to that illustrious list. Defecating on stage and self-mutilation were just the tip of the iceberg with that fucked up badass. Even his planned funeral was alpha:
There were two wakes for GG, one was a traditional Irish wake and the other was his rock and roll wake, according to GG’s mother Arleta. At his funeral, Allin’s bloated, discolored corpse was dressed in his black leather jacket and trademark jock strap. He had a bottle of Jim Beam beside him in his casket, per his wishes (openly stated in his self-penned acoustic country ballad, “When I Die”). As part of his brother’s request, the mortician was instructed not to wash the corpse (which smelled strongly of feces), or apply any makeup. The funeral became a wild party. Friends posed with the corpse, placing drugs and whiskey into its mouth. As the funeral ended, his brother put a pair of headphones on Allin. The headphones were plugged into a portable cassette player, in which was loaded a copy of The Suicide Sessions.
GG Allin — NOT a beta provider. Or a beta die-er.
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