From the original article on March 29, 2013. Author: Chateau Heartiste.
In the annals of alpha maleness, who can forget the supreme asshole aloofness of this societal canker sore, loved by two cute girls at once, who dangled the promise of romantic fidelity with a now-classic request to “bring the movies”.
Sarah texted Josh. 1:06 p.m.: “Whatever Josh, you get so mad at me for everything but you don’t give a shit when she puts something up or says something. You always believe her.”
1:08 p.m. “It’s like no matter what I do she’s always that much better.”
1:13 p.m. “All we fight about is her or something that has to do with her, and it sucks. I hate fighting with you . . . I love you so much, but this shit hurts.”
Hours passed. Sarah tried again.
6:36 p.m. “You say you love me, but you don’t even have the decency to text me back?”
Finally, at 8:02 p.m., Josh typed, “Bring the movies.”
Seven hours after her first text, and numerous texts from her in between, he finally replies — “bring the movies.”
Bring da movies.
So beautiful. Its economy of microalphatude brings a moving tear to me eye it does.
But wait! After “bring the movies” became a go-to line for players on the (re)make, a new contender joined the ring: “It’s complicated.”
GIRL: So are you dating anyone right now?
YOU: It’s complicated.
***
GIRL: Just how many girls have you been with?
YOU: It’s complicated.
***
GIRL: What are you looking for?
YOU: It’s complicated.
***
GIRL: Will you buy me a drink?
YOU: It’s complicated.
***
GIRL: You’re not going to try to stick it in my ass tonight, are you?
YOU: It’s complicated.
While perhaps not as RAWMUSCLEALPHA as “bring the movies”, “it’s complicated” is devious SNEAKYFUCKERALPHA the allure of which most girls can’t resist.
Chateau guests were overjoyed. The knowledge was dropping like the New York Beta Times circulation numbers. But then a hush fell over the assembled. There was yet more seduction science to come. What may go down as the pinnacle of laconic alpha male sexiness, the je ne sais quoi of jerkitude, sounded like a clarion call issued from the Voice of God Himself.
FLAKING GIRL: “Hey – a friend of mine is going through a break up and needs to talk tomorrow night. The rest of my week is crazy. I’ll give you a call later on and we’ll make...” [her text gets cut off here]
el chief: “gay. you’re buying if we meet up again”
The thrilling lack of punctuation is only bested in hindbrain disorienting impact by the lead-in one-word reply:
“gay”
Say it with me.
“gay”
You are a young, cute girl who has options. (Read: You are not an aging frump with rapidly dwindling options.) You flake often. Secretly, you enjoy flaking on men. It’s a power trip. Most men dance on your puppet strings. But then one intriguing fellow comes along who cocks your world. And you find this text in your squawkbox:
“gay”
Suddenly, everything has changed. Who is this conceited prick? How dare he talk to me like this! What’s his deal? Is he getting a lot of action? I’m not attractive enough for him? I’ll show him. Next time, I’m buying, and he’s getting the fuck of his life. Ha!
The readers are sated.
“Dear CH, thank you for your wisdom, but we have had enough. This knowledge is sufficient to guide us to the land of alpha, where unicorns go to die and penises to live.”
No, that complacency will not do. The master seducer is always improving, always seeking the next challenge, and his plumb-hers toolkit expands with every wench. Finally, to our pantheon of patronizing pithy pussy pleasers we can add the newest:
her: can i sign my receipt on your back?
you: no
her: why are you being so mean?
you: cuz i don’t want to get you pregnant
“cuz i don’t want to get you pregnant”
Sterling.
Does it need to make sense? No. In fact, it works better the less sense it makes.
“Buy me a drink?”
“No, I don’t want to get you pregnant.”
“Reschedule for next week?”
“No, I don’t want to get you pregnant.”
“Dance with me?”
“No, I don’t want to get you pregnant.”
“What are you looking for?”
“I’m looking to not get you pregnant.”
“I have to cancel on our date this week.”
“That’s good, I didn’t want to get you pregnant.”
“You’re such a jerk.”
“That’s because I don’t want to get you pregnant.”
“Do I look fat in this?”
“Well, it’s certainly not going to help me get you pregnant.”
The first reader who uses this line successfully AND impregnates the girl will be featured in his very own CH post. Happy cunting.
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