A Real-Life Example Of Beta Texting

Listed under Heartiste: 2008.Theme

From the original article on October 10, 2008. Author: Chateau Heartiste.

I once wrote a post advising you to never send archiveable communication to a girl that you would be ashamed of if it were publicly broadcast:

If [your texts and emails] were given a public airing, let’s say on a blog or the Verizon Center jumbotron, you should feel comfortable with what you have written for the world to see. You should not feel an urge to wince, because it will be clear to everyone reading it how alpha you are. If the thought of someone other than you and your girl reading your permanently archived romantic exchanges makes you cringe with embarrassment, then you are doing something wrong that will eventually lead to your girl dumping you.

A female reader [name withheld] emailed me the following text exchange she had with a guy she met recently. She wanted me to post it as learning aid for betas everywhere on what NOT to do. Her sad, sorry tale of woe demonstrates why my rule of thumb — don’t write a girl anything that would humiliate you if publicly aired — is important: You give yourself a chance with the girl, and you don’t get ass raped on a public forum such as my blog.

Please help the betas of the world understand why I don’t want to talk to this guy I met a few weeks ago, who I had the following convo with via txt:

9/25 1:33PM
Him: Are we still hangin 2moro

9/25 1:57PM
Me: Hey...actually I’m headed back to Portland this weekend. My parents just decided to move to Seattle next month so I have to help them pack. Have a great weekend though

9/25 1:58PM
Him: Damn harsh blow off! Thought u had people comin!

9/29 1:35PM
Him: Hey

*Note: He called me within one hour of this text. I didn’t answer or call back.

9/30 2:20PM
Him: What’s up

9/30 2:36PM (Apparently he wasn’t getting the picture...so I responded)
Me: Nothing much

9/30 2:37PM
Him: How is work?

9/30 2:45PM
Me: Oh alright. Pretty busy right now though...can I send you a text later?

9/30 2:58PM
Him: Yea go for it hopefully we can meet up this wknd

10/1 9:27PM
Him: Do you have plans fri?

10/2 9:13AM
Me: Um...yeah. I have a date with a guy I’ve been seeing for a couple weeks. Sorry. – This was a lie

10/2 9:23AM
Him: I see, I see well let me know when you’re free and we can work sumthin out

10/4 8:05PM
Him: Hello

If this guy is reading, I can almost feel the burn of his embarrassment. Let’s quickly itemize where he blew up the rails of the beta train.

  1. Right off the bat he asked her a question. Weak and needy. A better text: “I’ll see you tomorrow”.
  2. Infantile texting grammar. “2moro”? Leave the cutesie misspellings, shorthand, and emoticons to the girls. You are a man in control of the English language who calmly writes coherent, manly sentences.
  3. “Damn harsh blow off”? Never assume the rejection. And especially never announce it to her.
  4. Four days later: “Hey”. She didn’t respond to you four days ago. It’s not going anywhere. A few days incommunicado won’t make her horny for you. Delete her number or continue down your path of self-administered slow-mo castration.
  5. 9/30: “What’s up”. You’ve crossed into farce.
  6. 9/30: “Nothing much”. Now here is where my reader fucked up. Either continue ignoring him, block his number, or forcefully tell him off so he gets the idea. What she’s done here is give him an excuse to carry on haranguing her. I suspect she may have done this because she secretly enjoyed the negative attention. Some girls are like that.
  7. “How is work?” It was over by the first text, but as a helpful tip you should never ask lame, rapport-forcing questions like this.
  8. “Oh alright. Pretty busy right now though...can I send you a text later?”. Wtf is this!? Hey, babe, if you don’t like a guy the response is simple: “Stop texting me. I don’t like you.” Are you an attention whore who likes to string losers along? If so, you get no sympathy from me. In fact, I hope the next guy you really like does the same to you. Karmic justice and all that.
  9. “Yea go for it hopefully we can meet up this wknd”. Hook, line and sinker. Try some self-control next time, Needy McNumbnuts.
  10. Two days later: “Do you have plans fri?” I quote Ronin: “Where there’s doubt, there’s no doubt.”
  11. “Um...yeah. I have a date with a guy I’ve been seeing for a couple weeks.” This is what my reader should have sent him right after his first text. Did she toy with his hopeful eagerness so she could supply her true love with material for a blog post? Nyyaaaaahhhh... could be!
  12. “Hello”. I hope you’re 14. If you’re a full grown adult, you will die a virgin.

Well, I hope that was as painful for my readers as it was for me. It will have been worth it if I saved even one beta from serving as scathingly contemptuous giggle fodder at the next girls’ night in.

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