Male Birth Control Pill

Listed under Heartiste: 2008.Theme

From the original article on January 31, 2008. Author: Chateau Heartiste.

Also known as the brozenge.*

Here it cums!** Well, almost. If it does happen, here are my predictions:

Market Penetration – deep and wide.

Condoms are everywhere. So will be the male pill. Except for the CVS in my hood where they will be locked behind bullet proof glass and only accessible via an embarrassing request to the pharmacist, an East Indian middle-aged woman who will glower at you with the stink-eye as cute shoppers stand nearby and suppress giggles while they scan you up and down wondering if your package really is as massive as the magnums you just bought and extrapolating the quality of girl you are banging based on the swagger with which you make your request. Be sure to throw them a sly smile as you grab the box. They’re curious. You know they’re curious. They know you know they’re curious. Game on.***

Firmness of Adoption – vertical prominance.

Not only will many men avail themselves of the brozenge, they will also be repeat customers to the exclusion of all other contraceptive methods. Fact: condoms suck. A latex sheath is a total pleasure killjoy. The female pill is far superior to condoms but no man should ever trust his health, freedom, and reproductive rights to a woman’s whims. The male pill solves this problem. I’m avidly pro-choice.

Cultural Eruption – premature idiocracy.

The male pill will accelerate already ominous demographic trends. Stupid men, just like stupid women, will be less than diligent taking the pill to prevent pregnancy. With two kinds of pills, irresponsibility on the left side of the bell curve is twice as likely because one partner will assume the other partner is taking the necessary precautions and thus find a reason to slack off. “I thought you were on it!” “But I thought YOU were on it!!” Condom sales plummet. End result: a massive dumbing down of America. Say goodbye to bridges that don’t collapse.

In a male pill future, three types of men will contribute to subsequent generations.

1. Feminine men. The kind of guy who WANTS children is more feminine than the average guy who’d rather be poolside. Even betas prefer sex to childrearing, so there will be a natural selection for children born to womanly uberbeta fathers. Their future boys will play house with Barbies and jerk off to soft-focus, plot-driven porn.
2. Wealthy super alphas. At the very top there will be those men who don’t mind impregnating their wives, the wives of the uberbetas, and their mistresses because they can afford to dump the responsibility of raising them on an army of imported nannies. Their ability to live for fun won’t be compromised. The super alphas’ daughters will go on to become ballcutting lawyers who sue for laws that emasculate the sons of the betas even more.
3. Dumbasses. Lots and lots of dumbasses. See above.

Expect a future of sex that feels good, societal disintegration, and cognitive stratification as the very smartest shield their 1.2 kids in gated communities and prep schools from the mass of semi-retarded kids born to the losers falling further behind.

*trademarked, bitches.

**Oxford English Dictionary approved spelling. Pip pip.

***condom game is highly underrated.

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