From the original article on July 21, 2008. Author: Chateau Heartiste.
I often get emails from readers asking me for advice on game, dating, or relationships (along with sexual proposals from female readers). I’m less than conscientious keeping up with these email requests so instead I’ll answer some of them on the blog.
Email #1
Hey! I’ve been reading the posts on your blog, very good advice especially on the “How to win back an ex-girlfriend“.
Well me and my girlfriend of 1 and a half years broke up a little over a week ago. It’s been killing me inside cause I didn’t see it coming – but now I realise that we got boring together and I’ve learnt what I need to do in the future to make it work.Now right after it happened I did all the wrong things for a day or two – called her, texted her, rocked up to her house with flowers – but once I did that I realised she just needs space so I left her alone from then. I told her on msn that I know she needs space and I shouldn’t have rocked up to her house, and that she can take all the space she needs.
About 5 days later (a week after we broke up), she texted me asking how I was going. I wrote back really positive, she replied saying “good for you, I’m feeling pretty shit, been going out late nights over the weekend, haven’t been getting much sleep”. I wrote back positive again, joking around that she usually sleeps like 20 hours a night, I asked her if she was working much these days. She wrote back “I haven’t worked at all which has made it go so much slower :(, I was out till 3am on thurs, 5am on fri, 3am on sat, just trying to keep myself busy cause I feel like shit”. I wrote back joking around saying that we both haven’t had the flu all winter and we’ll prolly get sick from these late nights, and that I’ve got my hair cut pretty short the other day, and at the end I asked if she would like to go for coffee some time.
It was probably too soon, I didn’t get a response from her, but she called me about 30 mins later. We spoke for about 15 mins (probably too long, iknow). She was telling me who she’d been out with the last few nights etc etc. I kinda kept what I was doing to myself. At the end of the call she had to go cause someone came in to the store, so she said she would call me back. Called me again about 1hr later, we talked for a little again, then someone came into the store, same thing. She called again an hour later and said she’d just gone impulse buying perfume and stuff etc. Then one of her friends came in to the store so she said she would call again.
She didn’t call again.
It’s been 2 days since then and I haven’t contacted her in over a week. Should I give it another 2 weeks before I initiate conversation?
I’m going out with the boys again this weekend, trying to get her off my mind, its really hard though. We used to talk like 4/5 times a day, saw eachother probably every day (it was too much at times, I’ve realised this now, but she was the one that wanted to see/talk all the time so it must be killing her inside too).
What should I do from here?
I eagerly await your response!
J.
Whenever a guy tells me he “didn’t see it coming” I know that means his girlfriend saw it coming six months before he did. She’s been doubting and scheming while you still thought the love was in full bloom. That’s why you’ve got to look for the warning signs earlier and make the necessary adjustments.
It’s good that you recognized your slavish neediness (rocking up to her house with flowers? oy vey), but you continued to do the wrong things even after backing off her. For instance, never tell a girlfriend who is growing cold that you know she needs space; simply give her the space and say nothing. Verbalizing her negative feelings towards you only reinforces them in her mind and sets you up as lower status. Your thinking should always be “She is lucky to be with me” and that way when she starts to drift you do the only sensible thing a higher status man would do: You stop giving her your time and go find other women who will give you the attention you deserve.
Staying positive in your text interactions was good, but you’d have been better not answering her texts at all, or at least answering a small fraction of her texts a day or two later. You responding right away to every text she sent with long-winded and pointless conversation tells her that she is still on your mind and you’ve got nothing else going on. Also, the “I feel like shit” line is a classic female pity ploy to see if she could still wrap you around her little finger, and you obliged. Next time, ignore those female head games or call her out for trying to pull that crap on you.
“It was probably too soon”. Yes, it was. Wait at least three weeks before attempting contact of any sort.
“We spoke for about 15 mins.” You’re giving her way too much of your time. Beta. When she calls after an ostensbile breakup intiated by her your conversation should go along these lines: “Hey nice to hear from you. Listen, I’m in a rush so we’ll have to catch up some other time.” End of phone call.
“She called again an hour later and said she’d just gone impulse buying perfume and stuff etc.” She’s telling you this and you’re patiently listening like you care. An alpha male doesn’t give a shit about the shopping habits of a girl who has stopped sexing him. Cut the convo short and hang the fuck up, your time is too valuable for the babblings of a manipulative ex-girlfriend who probably banged a dude five minutes after you called her.
“She didn’t call again.” No surprise here. She dumped you, and your post-dump actions simply confirmed her emotional decision.
“Should I give it another 2 weeks before I initiate conversation?” I’m afraid you shouldn’t give it any weeks. This one is a lost cause. You’ve dug the hole too deep for calculated absence to make any difference.
“it must be killing her inside too.” No, it’s not. Projection won’t make it all better.
“What should I do from here?” You have two choices as I see it. You can either drink yourself into oblivion and pass out in the fetal position on the floor of your bathroom barely summoning the strength to flick your tongue out to catch your salty tears for nourishment, or you can go out every night, with or without your boys, and strike up a conversation with any attractive women who interest you. The outcome of either decision will resolve itself.
“I eagerly await your response!” Eagerness is what cost you this girl. Now go, and sin no more, my son.
Email #2
SO its like this:I met this girl We got to talking likeing each other
it seemed and she was asking good questions that i
figured were important to her and i did likewise.
There were elements of interest that we were both
looking into a dare i say it relationship. well she
often accuses me of flirting which i think would have
been a good point of lettin her know my interest in
subtle ways i think. anyway, finally went to chill
with her, we were supposed to go out but i got there
and she was just casual. after a while chilling
talking laughing she is alluding she might not be into
relationship just seeing what happens. well i got
comfy with her and i saw gestures of let “get dirty”
which i didnt do. in long term serious relationships,
sex is not much what i want to get into right off the
back. anyway, went to see her again and she was all
closed up. folded arms and crossed legs. are my
chances ruined here? how can i respark. i need to get
her back to the point where she was comfortable and
thought she had something over me, how else woulkd she
want to get dirty. i mean my hand was over her crothc
but i didnt do much with it.N.
Mistake number one: Talking about looking for a relationship. Listen, it doesn’t matter how much you and her agree on wanting a relationship, talking about it, especially on the first few dates, will assuredly kill the seductive vibe that is a necessary prerequisite for a relationship to happen in the first place. Girls want to EARN your love; they don’t want you throwing it out there and depriving them of the uncertainty that moistens their womanhood.
Maxim #21: Never talk about getting into a relationship even if the girl says that’s what she’s looking for.
If she’s accusing you of flirting, what she’s really saying is “I love when you flirt with me”. So take that as a good sign, and don’t get defensive or backpedal. Just nod and say with a smirk “I can tell you like it.”
“after a while chilling talking laughing she is alluding she might not be into relationship just seeing what happens.” She’s sensing your neediness which was probably triggered by your earlier confession of wanting a relationship. When a girl pulls back, you pull back twice as far.
“well i got comfy with her and i saw gestures of let “get dirty” which i didnt do.” She wanted to get physical and you either missed the signals or refused to give her what she wanted. She now thinks she is unattractive to you.
“in long term serious relationships, sex is not much what i want to get into right off the back.” This is a common misperception about sexual dynamics. Holding back will not ensure the development of a relationship, and getting physical early will not kill the chances of a relationship happening. In fact, just the opposite. Early, passionate sex is often the prelude to amazing long term relationships. How could it be otherwise when the two of you are highly attracted to each other?
“anyway, went to see her again and she was all closed up. folded arms and crossed legs.” You weren’t physical and you talked about a romantic relationship with her before you fucked her. What did you expect when you play the part of the girl? Your job as a man is to get into her panties, sooner rather than later. Leave the relationship hyperventilating to the girls.
“are my chances ruined here?” Yes. “how can i respark.” Re-woman.
“i mean my hand was over her crotch but i didnt do much with it.” What, were you using her crotch as an armrest? If she’s letting you do that, your next step should have been the bedroom. Epic fail.
***
I hope my Dr. Phil impersonation has been helpful. Reader Mailbag will be a regular feature here at Le Chateau.
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